SUMMER VACATION IS HERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! For those of us in Arcata, it looks a little like this:
Many other things aside, what this means is that it's now once again time to write our end of the semester blog of fun quotes from our professors. For no purpose other than to amuse myself, I shall put the quotes in the color of the notebook I wrote them down in all semester. Pointless, I know. Heads up, this post is ridiculously long. Sorry. I did, however, try to throw in as many pictures as I could in order to break it up a bit.
I lost my Bio 308 notebook after our move, but recently found it again. It doesn't have quotes from the entire class but here is what it does contain:
"Plants and people have a lot in common. The have sex almost identically."
"Ah. I got it. If that happens again, tell me to hit the button that says 'lamp'".
Spoken after having trouble with smart classroom technology.
Conversation between a student and the professor:
"Was the forest happier when it was getting burned all the time?"
"Well... define happier..."
"This is an estimate but, I'm telling you, Jamestown sucked."
"Look at all this logging. This was with a fricking ax!"
Another conversation between a student and the professor:
"Is marijuana considered an invasive plant?"
"I... I'm sure someone in here knows better than me."
"So, we paid farmers to do this- And by 'we', I mean the Smithsonian. I don't know if you want counted as a part of that."
"This is what the sea otter looks like. It is super cute."
Also, we had a guest lecturer who had a funny quote. She was coming in to talk about plants but covered some other subjects as well, leading her to make this comment about herself headline style, punctuating each word with her hand in the air:
"One of the main reasons that men wanted to get into government was so that they could rip people off."
In reference to a picture of the Modern Girl and Modern Boy in Japan in the 1920's.
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| In fact, just yesterday it decided to start raining on my way home from my single summer class. |
Many other things aside, what this means is that it's now once again time to write our end of the semester blog of fun quotes from our professors. For no purpose other than to amuse myself, I shall put the quotes in the color of the notebook I wrote them down in all semester. Pointless, I know. Heads up, this post is ridiculously long. Sorry. I did, however, try to throw in as many pictures as I could in order to break it up a bit.
I lost my Bio 308 notebook after our move, but recently found it again. It doesn't have quotes from the entire class but here is what it does contain:
"Plants and people have a lot in common. The have sex almost identically."
"Ah. I got it. If that happens again, tell me to hit the button that says 'lamp'".
Spoken after having trouble with smart classroom technology.
Conversation between a student and the professor:
"Was the forest happier when it was getting burned all the time?"
"Well... define happier..."
"This is an estimate but, I'm telling you, Jamestown sucked."
"Look at all this logging. This was with a fricking ax!"
Another conversation between a student and the professor:
"Is marijuana considered an invasive plant?"
"I... I'm sure someone in here knows better than me."
"So, we paid farmers to do this- And by 'we', I mean the Smithsonian. I don't know if you want counted as a part of that."
"This is what the sea otter looks like. It is super cute."
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| I'd say he's right. |
Also, we had a guest lecturer who had a funny quote. She was coming in to talk about plants but covered some other subjects as well, leading her to make this comment about herself headline style, punctuating each word with her hand in the air:
"Botanist reads about whales on internet!"
The class was pretty funny, even if it didn't have many quotable moments. What was significant, for Brooke, Alana, and I... or perhaps just me, was how frequently our professor said the words: "You don't need to know this" before explaining something he felt like saying anyway. He said this so frequently that by the third week of school I began keeping a tally of how many times he said it in a single class. the first day I began recording he had spoken it three times by the end of our hour and a half long class. Obviously, I don't have tallied the times he said it before I started recording, and I lost my notebook part way through the semester and ended up taking notes all over the place but here is my grand total tally for the semester:
You don't need to know this: 42!
I started every Tuesday and Thursday this semester with a certain history class with a certain hilarious professor. Actual jokes he told aside, here are his funny quotes from that class:
"Really, the only thing you can say for sure about Taiwan is that it's an island."
"So, yeah, we destroyed him."
In reference to something he had to review.
"And I didn't like his thesis either. It was boring and stupid."
"You might be surprised to learn that there are students at this school who are conservative in view and vote republican."
"In event of an earthquake, we are supposed to duck and cover. As you can see, we don't really have that choice in this classroom. I guess I'll be okay but you guys are screwed."
"This is just incredible. I mean, how do you get the water buffalo up there?!... Buffalo wings."
"And then by the 17th, 18th century the Europeans thought they were all scientific 'n shit."
The class was pretty funny, even if it didn't have many quotable moments. What was significant, for Brooke, Alana, and I... or perhaps just me, was how frequently our professor said the words: "You don't need to know this" before explaining something he felt like saying anyway. He said this so frequently that by the third week of school I began keeping a tally of how many times he said it in a single class. the first day I began recording he had spoken it three times by the end of our hour and a half long class. Obviously, I don't have tallied the times he said it before I started recording, and I lost my notebook part way through the semester and ended up taking notes all over the place but here is my grand total tally for the semester:
You don't need to know this: 42!
I started every Tuesday and Thursday this semester with a certain history class with a certain hilarious professor. Actual jokes he told aside, here are his funny quotes from that class:
"Really, the only thing you can say for sure about Taiwan is that it's an island."
"So, yeah, we destroyed him."
In reference to something he had to review.
"And I didn't like his thesis either. It was boring and stupid."
"You might be surprised to learn that there are students at this school who are conservative in view and vote republican."
"In event of an earthquake, we are supposed to duck and cover. As you can see, we don't really have that choice in this classroom. I guess I'll be okay but you guys are screwed."
"This is just incredible. I mean, how do you get the water buffalo up there?!... Buffalo wings."
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| This might be he exact picture he used in his slideshow... |
"And then by the 17th, 18th century the Europeans thought they were all scientific 'n shit."
"His court was full of fortune tellers, prostitutes, historians and people like that."
In reference to Emperor Kangxi having himself painted as deities from various religions in order to appease the populous.
"And here is is as a Daoist, not to leave any ass uncovered."
"There were also military exams. You know, for jock."
"Yeah, I think that painting is beautiful. You see it in sushi restaurants a lot."
"Take a look at that. See if you can spot the pornography. I'm serious! Shunga, it's called."
"There were also military exams. You know, for jock."
"Yeah, I think that painting is beautiful. You see it in sushi restaurants a lot."
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| Pretty sure it's mandatory for all sushi restaurants to have a print of this. |
"Take a look at that. See if you can spot the pornography. I'm serious! Shunga, it's called."
..............Couldn't bring myself to include a picture. But google image it if you're curious.
In reference to riots in the early 19th century in Japan.
"They arrested some writers... because, you know, writers are what causes this."
"I sure hope this professor gig works out for me so I don't have to turn to selling my body on the streets."
"The 19th century, it's the century of ridiculous facial hair."
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| These are actually Japanese renditions of Commodore Perry and his son and not, in fact, Japanese men at all. |
"But doesn't it look like Founder's Hall? It looks just like Founder's Hall!"
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| Gakuin University, Yokohama Japan. Did you do a double take? |
"One of the main reasons that men wanted to get into government was so that they could rip people off."
"Don't know, I've never been to Korea. Don't speak Korean. I know, I fake it well. Don't know about Korea."
"Ironically, the people that let the Communists out of jail after the war was the Americans. And then they quickly tried to put them back in again."
In reference to Emperor Taisho:
"Personally, I think he looks kind of like a dip."
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| Clearly he'd look better with the feathered hat on. |
In reference to a picture of the Modern Girl and Modern Boy in Japan in the 1920's.
"Here they are sitting at a table without a chaperon." *gasp*
"They look like liberals, don't they? All smiling and happy."
A conversation between a student and the professor:
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| No idea why my google search gave me this... but that's definitely not English or Japanese... |
"They look like liberals, don't they? All smiling and happy."
A conversation between him and a student.
"Great idea. I love it."
"What? Oh, that was sarcasm."
A comment to the class as he was returning a quiz that many students must have done poorly on.
"When I write a true/false question I don't try to trip you up. The question will be totally ridiculous like 'The Meiji Emperor never died'."
"I sometimes pick up hitchhikers if they're young and alone."
"Later he joined the Communists, so Christians, Communists, whatever."
"I love satire. South Park is one of my favorite shows."
"The Japanese did more for Chinese nationalism than anyone in China ever did."
"Actually, Shanghai was a pretty rocking place in the 1920's."
"Cigarettes took of like- well, like some kind of addictive substance."
"The Republicans like to throw around 'class warfare'. Ha! They ain't seen nothin' yet."
A conversation between a student and him:
"I like watching modern Korean soap operas."
"Who doesn't?... No, seriously."
"Oh, but what do parents want for their daughters? To become a good wife for another family... You've seen Mulan, right?"
A comment made in response to the New Life rules put into place by Chiang Kai-shek in the 1930's:
"We're going to save China from Japan by improving hygiene? Really? Really?"
In reference to Chairman Mao Zedong:
"He will become one of the most famous people in China, up there with Confucius, Jet Li and Yao Ming."
"I think Chiang Kai-shek is a handsome looking man in his own way, but he's got a kind of strange looking face, doesn't he?"
"Stalin was a very suspicious man, probably paranoid. He didn't trust anybody. I don't think he trusted himself, to be honest."
A comment to the class as he was returning a quiz that many students must have done poorly on.
"When I write a true/false question I don't try to trip you up. The question will be totally ridiculous like 'The Meiji Emperor never died'."
"I sometimes pick up hitchhikers if they're young and alone."
"Later he joined the Communists, so Christians, Communists, whatever."
"I love satire. South Park is one of my favorite shows."
"The Japanese did more for Chinese nationalism than anyone in China ever did."
"Actually, Shanghai was a pretty rocking place in the 1920's."
"Cigarettes took of like- well, like some kind of addictive substance."
"The Republicans like to throw around 'class warfare'. Ha! They ain't seen nothin' yet."
A conversation between a student and him:
"I like watching modern Korean soap operas."
"Who doesn't?... No, seriously."
"Oh, but what do parents want for their daughters? To become a good wife for another family... You've seen Mulan, right?"
A comment made in response to the New Life rules put into place by Chiang Kai-shek in the 1930's:
"We're going to save China from Japan by improving hygiene? Really? Really?"
In reference to Chairman Mao Zedong:
"He will become one of the most famous people in China, up there with Confucius, Jet Li and Yao Ming."
"I think Chiang Kai-shek is a handsome looking man in his own way, but he's got a kind of strange looking face, doesn't he?"
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| Chiang Kai-shek, strange looking or handsome? Discuss! |
"Stalin was a very suspicious man, probably paranoid. He didn't trust anybody. I don't think he trusted himself, to be honest."
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| Can we all just agree how wonderful it is that this even exists? |
A conversation between a student and the professor:
"Is the Japanese dude blue?"
"Yes, he's blue because he's an inhuman monster. I believe that's what the message is."
"Look at this Nazi. He looks just like a Nazi, doesn't he? He's got Nazi-smile."
"Wang Jingwei was the Benedict Arnold of Chinese History, basically."
"Never trust a Nazi. That's a good rule of thumb for you."
"Churchill is British, so by definition he's a pompous ass... No, I'm just kidding. I have a lot of British friends."
"With the right materials, I could make an atom bomb. My sixth grade science project was how to make an atom bomb. In fact, you could make one by accident fairly easily."
In reference to Land Reform in China.
"Hey, I want that, too. Let's kill some landlords."
In reference to leaders of Korea.
"Especially now that we're into our third nutty Kim."
Spoken before 4/20.
"It's the highest place in the world... Except maybe Humboldt County this Friday."
"Fathers determine the sex of the child. But, it's tradition to blame women, so we do."
Somehow this had to do with a picture of a German beauty queen working in China...
"She's not that pretty."
"Well, I'm sure she has other talents."
*class laughs*
"Well, you k now these beauty queens- I didn't mean it like that."
"Because, you know, bikers are such kind and friendly people."
"Oh, the Communist Party doesn't like it? Well, then the youth are going to love it."
For whatever reason, my professor gives puts a gold star on your quiz if you get 100%. This has proven to be quite the motivator. Last semester I had this same professor for a class and received but three gold stars the whole semester. I was quite sad. This semester out of nine quizzes and one map quiz, I received 6 gold stars out of 10 possible. Well, actually one of them was red...
Same professor, but second class of the day:
"And he rode in a stagecoach around the rodeo to the cheers of this Houston crowd! They probably didn't know who he was. I'm just kidding, I have friends in Texas... I'm still kidding. I don't have friends... In Texas."
"The Chinese stock market is a bizarre creature. It exhibits strange characteristics."
"Look at this Nazi. He looks just like a Nazi, doesn't he? He's got Nazi-smile."
"Wang Jingwei was the Benedict Arnold of Chinese History, basically."
"Never trust a Nazi. That's a good rule of thumb for you."
"Churchill is British, so by definition he's a pompous ass... No, I'm just kidding. I have a lot of British friends."
"With the right materials, I could make an atom bomb. My sixth grade science project was how to make an atom bomb. In fact, you could make one by accident fairly easily."
In reference to Land Reform in China.
"Hey, I want that, too. Let's kill some landlords."
In reference to leaders of Korea.
"Especially now that we're into our third nutty Kim."
Spoken before 4/20.
"It's the highest place in the world... Except maybe Humboldt County this Friday."
"Fathers determine the sex of the child. But, it's tradition to blame women, so we do."
Somehow this had to do with a picture of a German beauty queen working in China...
"She's not that pretty."
"Well, I'm sure she has other talents."
*class laughs*
"Well, you k now these beauty queens- I didn't mean it like that."
"Because, you know, bikers are such kind and friendly people."
"Oh, the Communist Party doesn't like it? Well, then the youth are going to love it."
For whatever reason, my professor gives puts a gold star on your quiz if you get 100%. This has proven to be quite the motivator. Last semester I had this same professor for a class and received but three gold stars the whole semester. I was quite sad. This semester out of nine quizzes and one map quiz, I received 6 gold stars out of 10 possible. Well, actually one of them was red...
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| It's ridiculous how good one of these makes you feel. |
Same professor, but second class of the day:
"New-fangled technology that you kids have."
Spoken by a man only on his forties.
"What's your major"
"Astrophysics."
"Oh, I started out as an astrophysics major."
"Am I looking into the future?"
"Plagiarism is bad, mmmkay?"
In a Mr. Mackey voice.
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| "Plagiarism is bad, mmmkay? Now, who can name this body part?" |
"If I catch someone plagiarizing, I will give them an 'F' and refer them to... What are they the inquisition?"
"Working for California is like being in the sixth circle of hell."
"I'm actually a very humble person... Sometimes."
"You know what pirates are like. They're very multi-cultural!"
"Which may make me a traitor but at least I'm a benevolent and humane traitor."
"They're not so interested in saving souls as they are finding new drinking partners."
In reference to Russians.
"That guy is so arrogant. Even more arrogant than me."
"They tried to present themselves as whatever would appeal to their people. Kind of like Mitt Romney."
"I expect the Huns to show up in Washington any day now."
"Well they're barbarians, right? They're not Chinese, ergo, they're barbarians."
"We'll just give them some gifts, pat them on the back, say we'll be friends forever and hope they'll go away."
"The model they're using in dealing with the barbarians- excuse me, the Europeans."
"It's always easier to get people to do what you want if you beat them first. Keep that in mind."
"The local bannermen just keep getting their asses handed to hem."
"The British attempted to invade Afghanistan, which, by the way, is where Empires go to die."
"It isn't true what they say. What doesn't kill you doesn't make you stronger. It leaves you crippled for life."
"Nothing like a good decapitation to remind people of law and order."
"That's okay, if we don't understand it we can just blow it up. It's worked so far. Everybody is afraid of us. We're crazy!"
"I wish my union had an army... Any volunteers?"
"Computer dating is the way to go, though. Computers never get it wrong."
"Any other other questions that I don't know the answer to?"
"You thought the Canadians were all nice and liked moose but they had Nazis, too."
"Anyway, the Long March was considered to be a success... even though they lost 80% of their people."
"You seem kind of like a videogame person. Congratulations for coming to class."
Some videogame had come out that weekend.
"This is pretty fascist, like the boyscouts."
"Yeah, Hitler had a lot of crazy ideas."
"This was an unplanned land war in Asia, which sounds even worse than a planned land war in Asia."
"The women were supposed to stay home and raise little Nazis."
"The Great Wall is, after all, China's great... wall."
"Oh, that's different. Fourteen years old, you're already a man."
In reference to the Iranian army.
"Fortunately, I don't know very much about venereal disease, either."
"You can tell he's an American because he's smiling."
In reference to a picture of Comfort Women and a soldier.
"I prefer scotch. That's my way of lobotomizing myself."
"This is just a wild stab in the dark... Which is what you're going to get if you don't do it."
"And you don't have to set it in stone. In fact, I'd prefer you didn't... Cuz it's heavy? Stone? No?"
Referring to our thesis papers.
"I have perfect hindsight and I'm a historian and know everything."
"It was a surprise attack, which is not so much treacherous as it was intelligent."
"So, not only is Chiang Kai-shek at the table here- or he would be if there were a table. You know what I mean."
"He died of cancer even though there were a lot of people trying to kill him."
"Word to the wise: Don't get involved in a land war in Asia."
"It's a bad way to go. There aren't many good ways to go. Freezing to death. Might be the most pleasant."
"I want to live to 90, then get get shot by a jealous husband."
"You've got to watch out for scientists. They can be amoral. They should all be forced to take philosophy and logic."
"That's what I've learned from studying history. People believe all kids of shit!"
"You've all heard of Cinderella?"
"Imagine a bunch of gossipy old mothers with powers over their neighbors. Just imagine!"
"Ah, I don't know anything about current events. My head is in the 1950s."
"Yeah, don't study history too much. It's bad for you."
"'Well, he was must talking from his heart.' - Which is what we used to call lying..."
"Oh, the aliens will invade long before that."
"Well, since we're playing ping-pong together, we may as well have some high level diplomacy as well."
"Here's Nixon using the world for ping-pong. I think it might be an exaggeration."
"So, we'll kill off Mao today."
"I'm actually a very humble person... Sometimes."
"You know what pirates are like. They're very multi-cultural!"
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| Google says this is a multi-cultural pirate... |
"Which may make me a traitor but at least I'm a benevolent and humane traitor."
"They're not so interested in saving souls as they are finding new drinking partners."
In reference to Russians.
"That guy is so arrogant. Even more arrogant than me."
"They tried to present themselves as whatever would appeal to their people. Kind of like Mitt Romney."
"I expect the Huns to show up in Washington any day now."
"Well they're barbarians, right? They're not Chinese, ergo, they're barbarians."
"We'll just give them some gifts, pat them on the back, say we'll be friends forever and hope they'll go away."
"The model they're using in dealing with the barbarians- excuse me, the Europeans."
"It's always easier to get people to do what you want if you beat them first. Keep that in mind."
"The local bannermen just keep getting their asses handed to hem."
"The British attempted to invade Afghanistan, which, by the way, is where Empires go to die."
"It isn't true what they say. What doesn't kill you doesn't make you stronger. It leaves you crippled for life."
"Nothing like a good decapitation to remind people of law and order."
"That's okay, if we don't understand it we can just blow it up. It's worked so far. Everybody is afraid of us. We're crazy!"
"I wish my union had an army... Any volunteers?"
"Computer dating is the way to go, though. Computers never get it wrong."
"Any other other questions that I don't know the answer to?"
"You thought the Canadians were all nice and liked moose but they had Nazis, too."
"Anyway, the Long March was considered to be a success... even though they lost 80% of their people."
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| Of course this exists. |
"You seem kind of like a videogame person. Congratulations for coming to class."
Some videogame had come out that weekend.
"This is pretty fascist, like the boyscouts."
"Yeah, Hitler had a lot of crazy ideas."
"This was an unplanned land war in Asia, which sounds even worse than a planned land war in Asia."
"The women were supposed to stay home and raise little Nazis."
"The Great Wall is, after all, China's great... wall."
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| I'm honestly surprised that it wasn't used as a runway sooner. |
"Oh, that's different. Fourteen years old, you're already a man."
In reference to the Iranian army.
"Fortunately, I don't know very much about venereal disease, either."
"You can tell he's an American because he's smiling."
In reference to a picture of Comfort Women and a soldier.
"I prefer scotch. That's my way of lobotomizing myself."
"This is just a wild stab in the dark... Which is what you're going to get if you don't do it."
"And you don't have to set it in stone. In fact, I'd prefer you didn't... Cuz it's heavy? Stone? No?"
Referring to our thesis papers.
"I have perfect hindsight and I'm a historian and know everything."
"It was a surprise attack, which is not so much treacherous as it was intelligent."
"So, not only is Chiang Kai-shek at the table here- or he would be if there were a table. You know what I mean."
"He died of cancer even though there were a lot of people trying to kill him."
"Word to the wise: Don't get involved in a land war in Asia."
"It's a bad way to go. There aren't many good ways to go. Freezing to death. Might be the most pleasant."
"I want to live to 90, then get get shot by a jealous husband."
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| Not exactly a storybook ending... |
"You've got to watch out for scientists. They can be amoral. They should all be forced to take philosophy and logic."
"That's what I've learned from studying history. People believe all kids of shit!"
"You've all heard of Cinderella?"
"Imagine a bunch of gossipy old mothers with powers over their neighbors. Just imagine!"
"Ah, I don't know anything about current events. My head is in the 1950s."
"Yeah, don't study history too much. It's bad for you."
"'Well, he was must talking from his heart.' - Which is what we used to call lying..."
"Oh, the aliens will invade long before that."
"Well, since we're playing ping-pong together, we may as well have some high level diplomacy as well."
"Here's Nixon using the world for ping-pong. I think it might be an exaggeration."
 |
| This magazine cost twenty cents at the time. |
"So, we'll kill off Mao today."
"Aw."
"Yeah, I know. We'll miss him."
"This is the Mao-soleum."
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| Somewhere in there, I hear, is a very orange Mao. |
"And he rode in a stagecoach around the rodeo to the cheers of this Houston crowd! They probably didn't know who he was. I'm just kidding, I have friends in Texas... I'm still kidding. I don't have friends... In Texas."
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| Why does everyone associate America with cowboy hats? |
"The Chinese stock market is a bizarre creature. It exhibits strange characteristics."
"Nobody has a monopoly on hypocrisy."
"Students bring gifts to their teachers... Take note of that."
"Dammit, Jim, I'm a historian not an engineer!"
"I think they just wanted the biggest damn dam in the world."
"Is that why Indiana Jones is always finding Nazis?"
"Yes. Archaeology is full of Nazis."
"He hasn't been to class in two months. We can only assume he's been kidnapped and sold in Burma."
And lastly, he spoke the following in reference to conversations he has had in China at conferences:
"You study Chinese history?"
"Yeah! That's why I'm here, speaking to you in Chinese now."
In this class we had four quizzes and one map quiz. I received 4 out of 5 gold stars possible!
On my most important and final (I swear!) note, I managed to have perfect attendance this semester for the first time since my first semester of junior year of high school.
I've spent the last two semesters trying to have perfect attendance but it hadn't really been possible. Turns out your grades are better when you show up! I received two A's, an A-, a B- and a C+. Pretty proud.
On my most important and final (I swear!) note, I managed to have perfect attendance this semester for the first time since my first semester of junior year of high school.
I've spent the last two semesters trying to have perfect attendance but it hadn't really been possible. Turns out your grades are better when you show up! I received two A's, an A-, a B- and a C+. Pretty proud.
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| Oh yeah, did I mention I walked? |
