The End

It was final's week last just a few weeks ago and depending on where you were you might never have guessed it. I had just left my Poli Sci final when I almost bumped into someone in the bathroom. Considering it was finals week, I looked about as attractive as this: 

Except my hair was pulled back in ponytail and unwashed because who has
time for beauty when there are finals to pass?

The answer is this girl I almost bumped into. She must not have needed to study because she looked like this:

Granted, she wasn't actually Taylor Swift, but she was blonde, had perfectly
curled hair and more make up than I've ever worn.

That being said, the semester is over! Essays have been written, tests have been taken and classes have been passed. Time for summer! But before we break out the bathing suits and tan in the Humboldt sun (Hahaha, yeah right!), Bry and I would like to share some memorable quotes from our teachers. A week into this semester, I realized my English teacher was hilarious because he always had my whole class laughing. I started writing down as many funny things he said so I could share them. I managed to find a few moments to record in my French class as well. Here's what I spent the semester laughing to:


My English teacher's memorable quotes (a middle-aged man):


~ "How do you separate the heart from the rest of the body?"
   "With a scalpel" (A student's quiet response.)


~ "You're talking to the king of lazy people."


~ "Well, if you want to be an asshole, go ahead."


~ "OMG, this thing, unlike my bicycle manual, has meaning!" (In reference to what makes literature literature.)


~ "Well, you're obviously an oddball. Just like me!"


~ "Any good acid-takers will tell you..."


~ "She's a witch. She's a tool of Satan."


~ "That sticks in my craw. I sound, like, 90!"


~ "Alright, well, I surfed the internet for porn for six hours, not seven."


~ "There's the perfect analogy. You snort the line of coke but then you don't rub your teeth afterwards. And then you turn to everybody and say, "You're a bunch of coke-heads ad I want nothing to do with you!"


~ "...or if she had anything wrong with her, she was a filthy whore."


~ "Rush Limbaugh went into rehab for hillbilly heroin."


~ "But you're got these monkeys on your back and they're called gay sex..."


~ "Now that I've lost a family member we're stopping this? Hell no, we're truckin' on!" (An explanation of the short story The Lottery.)


~ "If you look at the Top 10 albums right now, I guarantee they're shitty albums. My opinion."


~ "I'm a jerk off. Just because I've been saying something for 20 years doesn't make it right."


~ "'OMG, Kevin Costner wants to come and talk to us about how to clean up the oil spill. He must have something to say.' Coincidentally, he did." (These last two were in explanation of the logical fallacy False Authority.)


~ "You're sitting at home with your buddy watching the 700 club, like I know you all do..."


~ "So, if Julie is a cross dresser, this changes the premise."
   "Got tricked by a tranny." (A student's response.)


~ "It's possible that you smoked too much crack."


~ "This is going to be my one opportunity to feel like a man today and I'm not going to because I know nothing about [basketball]."


~ "And I'm a dipshit when it comes to real world, practical skills."


~ "I fuck up everything."


~ "He says he's lost some part of himself. Well, where the hell does he expect to find it? Behind a bush?"


~ "You guys sort of jiggy with this?"


~ "OMG, we are bitchin'!"


~ "Put a gun to their head, kidnap their children, bribe them..." (In reference to help us figure out how to convince our readers in our last essay of the semester)

This is apparently how you get an A in my English class.
Needless to say, I got a B.

Memorable quotes from my French teacher (a sixty year old woman):


~ "But if I say be French... No, I can't say that." (Trying to give an example on commanding people to be something.)

This is what you get when you google search "be French".

~ "Now, if we're all interrogating this spy here..." (Trying to give an example of the plural form of a verb.)


~ "Why don't I tell you a few things to be *pfft* because I'm perfect. Why don't you tell me what to be." (Still searching for an example for how to explain commanding people.)


~ "So, the Germans are gonna drag you off and shoot you!" (Said after a student made a grammar mistake.)


~ "You didn't know it was masculine so I won't have the German's shoot you. I shouldn't say that, should I? I should say the Nazi's."


~ "When I was in France, I didn't have any cat. That's not better. Let's just move on."

This should solve my teacher's lack of cats problem.

~ "I just got nervous. I don't want the Germans to shoot me." (Said by a student reluctant to give an answer to a question.)


I, on the other hand, spent most of my semester planning two weddings... then cancelling both... then deciding to have the craziest most unbelievable wedding ever.  In between that, I spent my days in class writing down some silly quotes from teachers as well.


I spent my Monday, Wednesday, and Friday mornings at 9:00 AM listening to my Professor -who reminded me constantly of Tina Fey- ramble on about Art History for 50 fabulous minutes.  I say 'fabulous' because she frequently said naughty things that everyone was thinking but you never expected someone to voice.  She often oggled the nudes, but let's take a look at what she had to say:

~ "If he really liked the Queen, she would be killed and buried too- romantic." (Discussing Egyptian burials.)


~ "Athena knows if you do a half-ass job." (Describing why the Romans would sculpt such incredible details on the back of statues when only the fronts would show.)

~ "The Sleeping Satyr is erotic because he is drunk and passed out, and doesn't know you are looking at his crotch." (Self-explanatory.  The whole class was looking...)

You're welcome.

~ "Sort of like a webcam to God.  'That is absolutely delicious and I am going to steal it if you don't mind'..." (Imagining what the angel in the middle of "Three Angels Visiting Abraham" was thinking.)


~ "All lends to making the outside ugly so the inside can be breathtaking." (Explaining Buttresses and Flying Buttresses.)


~ "Yeah, here I am, naked.  Shall we have sex?" (Imagining what the Harem Girl must be thinking.)


~ "I have to come up with a way to say that that doesn't make me laugh - but I guess castration isn't funny at all..." (O.o)

My Monday and Wednesday afternoons from 4:00 to 5:20 PM, I could be found lounging about learning about the International Political Economy.  Our lovely professor brightened the subject with an occasional quip.

~ "Norms are fuzzy things." (I have no explanation.)

He is pretty fuzzy...

~ "I'm not building up my military to attack, it's just for defense." "Yeah, right..." (Playing both roles, and talking to herself.)


~ "Make theories talk to each other." (Attempting to clarify telling us how to study for the final.  No help at all.)


Bright and early at 8:00 AM on Tuesdays and Thursdays I got to listen to my INSANE religious studies professor ramble on about what was ruining our country, and what kind of a man Jesus REALLY was.  While reading these, bear in mind that this man considers Jesus his personal savior.

~ "Things cease to be relevant as we move forward in time- let it go.  They are following hollow ritual when the ship has clearly sunk and would rather go back to  where they came from than move forward because the future is scary." (Explaining Catholicism.)


~ "Compromise is necessary because purity is hard to maintain." (Talking about Eastern piety.)


~ "Somalia is the epitome of the absence of systems." (Learning about order.)


~ "What would Jesus do? Fly a fighter jet off a carrier and bomb the shit out of the bastards!!" (Topic was 9/11)


~ "Baseball is the best sport ever.  Cricket is OK.  Soccer?  What IS that?!  You hit the ball with your head." (Taking positions on religions that are similar to your own.)


~ "We could do away with so many of the world's problems if we all just had good manners." (Hates rude people.)


~ "I'm telling you you're a cocksucker and a motherfucker!" (Yelling at the class, to show what rage is.)


~ "I doubt Buddha was a Buddha." (No faith in anyone but Jesus.)

Which one is the real Buddha???

~ "Wow, you people need better math!"
   "You didn't say it was binary, we weren't thinking that deep."
   "You need to." (Telling us how we learn by association...)


~ "God taps Moses on the shoulder. 'Hey Moses.  Here, write this down.  In the beginning - NO, THE beginning, THE beginning'..." (The Bible was written by man, not literally passed down from God.)


~ "Some guy came down from the mountain and told me this so now I gotta do it - yeah let's all drink the kool-aid." (Interpretation of the Ten Commandments.)


~ "You ain't gonna tie no fucking bull to a plow unless you wanna die.  You ever been chased by a bull?  No?  Well let me tell you..." (*no explanation*)


~ "You can't be a little bit pregnant.  You either are or you aren't.  That is the definition of mutually exclusive."


~ "I'm open, show me.  I don't fucking believe this, but show me." (His definition of Agnostics.)


~ "He wasn't that lazy... I mean, he wrote all this shit." (About Chuangzi and his laid back philosophy.)


~ "Who else was alive in 500 BCE?"
   "Everybody else that was cool in the religious world!"
   "Yeah fucking right.  What about Jesus?"
   "Oh."


~ "If Bill Clinton could save all the people on Earth from suffering, would he?  Hell yes he would!  He would be the greatest fucking person on Earth!  He would be as great a Jesus.  How ambitious- he'd be greater than Jesus!" (In reference to IF ambition was a desire to be lost to save the soul.)

Directly after being cursed at by my 8:00 AM professor, I got and hour and twenty minutes of Government from 10:30 to 11:50.  Only partially through the course did I realize that I she was Canadian.

~ "Maybe if we ignore it, it will go away." (Slavery.)


~ "Now, I'm picking on Fox because they deserve it.  Fox is a fungus on the tree of Democracy."


~ "OK, we'll start off with pornography for the next class..." (Excellent way to assure attendance.)


~ "No race has a monopoly on being a a jerk." (On racism.)

Well, it is racist...