This is what happens when your parents are hippies

Bry and I grew up without a lot of the modern amenities simply because my hippy parents didn't believe in  them or because for one reason or another they were, as my parents perceived them, bad. I realize, it could be worse. We could have been raised in Beaumont and been banned from dancing until Kevin Bacon came along and had a bitch fit. (Really Kevin Bacon? You dance when you're angry?)


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FsCO-YkDgnY


Kevin Bacon, it is all your fault that this:


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J3OnmelGuPQ&feature=related


Or THIS ever happened:


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I4dSG3aFXBQ


While I was looking for that last one I found this:


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-0LEs6c-9EI


 But no, we had parents that didn't believe in owning a microwave. Here's a list of just a few things they didn't believe in:


*Microwaves


*Mac N Cheese


*Name Brand Sunscreen


*Braces


*Dish Washers


*Christmas Trees

Now, you're probably thinking to yourself, "But Twinz, those are all such ordinary, everyday things. What on earth could your parents find wrong with them?" Let us tell you:

I'm going to pick some random scrabble tiles from this bag. Let fate decide for us. We've got a "V" and an "A" and a "G" Okay, let's start over.

My mother believes microwaves are the devil. Okay, not really. But I still never used one until middle school at a friend's house. Even after she showed us how to use it we still made her do it for us. I didn't own my first one until I was 19 and renting my own apartment and damn are they convenient! Why couldn't I have had one all these years??? I could have saved precious minutes heating up my soup for lunch! But no, our parents didn't even want one in our house. They give out radiation or something. Apparently, nobody else cares but of course OUR parents do. Hell, our parents don't even own a toaster. Process that one. No, we didn't have one of these when I was growing up:

Normal toaster

No, we had one of these:

Only ours was a reject from the early 1980's. Our little sister is still afraid to use it. She's 16.

*************

Wait, you mean mac n cheese come in other colors than white?!

The blue box is the cheesiest! It just so happens that as I write this, we are preparing a Kraft Mac'n'Cheese dinner. I imagine most adults would be embarrassed to announce that this simple meal is a staple of their diet, as it does sound rather childish, but not us. We were raised on a diet free of most foods made with artificial dyes. Kudos to my parents for keeping a stern eye on our artificial-ingredients intake, nonetheless as little children we felt deprived from such things as Kraft Mac'n'Cheese, sodas, candies, popular cereals and other such things.

The result of this was that whenever we went over to friends' houses we would absolutely pig out on ANYTHING that wasn't allowed in this Dye Free Diet. Entire sleep overs would consist of Chef Boyardee, marshmallows and Dr. Pepper. Friend's parents would think we were nuts because we would be bouncing off the walls. Our parents had good intentions but it really just led to us getting sugar-high and making regrettable choices.

Oops. This was after we'd already moved out of our parent's house. My bad.

*************

Oh, what I wouldn't have given to use one of these.

Our mom never let us use name brand sunscreen. She wasn't a fan of one of the ingredients that could also be found on a period it table. (I only got a C in high school chemistry, so I can't remember if it's Aluminum, Antimony, Aragorn or whatever.) Instead of using Coppertone or Banana Boat or something normal people use that rubs in, we got to use natural sunscreen from Trader Joes that left us forever looking like this:

Obviously, his mom shops at Trader Joes, too.

At one point that purple sunscreen was pretty popular. It went on purple and when you'd rubbed it in well enough it went away. I'd have gladly been temporarily purple. It's not that I have anything against being ghost white, it's just that I have a theory that goth make-up is actually the sunscreen my mom used to make me use:

Her mom made her use all-natural sunscreen so she became goth to stay hip at school.

*************

Everyone who's ever had these is going to think we're crazy for being jealous.

We have teeth like a chimney sweep wth a cockney accent. It's true. My bottom jaw is riddled with canines and molars that appear to be engaged in a shoving war, and while my top jaw isn't SO bad altogether there is ONE tooth that has taken it upon himself to tailgate my front incisor. It's a real party up in here.

This is equally due to poor genetics and my stupidity. My jaw is crooked. It sticks out a wee bit too far and a wee bit to the right- almost as if I were slightly drunk and forgot how to close my mouth. I wish. Having silly mouths runs in my family along my mother's side. Chiropractors and dentists alike mention this fact to me during every visit and tell me my "options." 

We politely declined.

Our mom has refused any of the three of her children to get braces or retainers because, based on her professional opinion, we're all perfect just the way we are.

Omnomnom

Rach and I knocked each other's front teeth out when we were two. The story goes something like:

As a two year old, Mom refused to buy me candy at a grocery store so I took out my anger the best way a two year old knows how- by punching Rach in the face. Later that week, when she was in obvious amounts of pain I allowed her to retaliate by taking a swing at me with a plastic bowling pin. Bye-bye teeth. This was the first time we had surgery together.

The final blow to my smile- literally- came about perhaps in 6th grade. Rach and I were in constant threat of being attacked by unleashed dogs in our neighborhood. Fences weren't all that common, but for some reason angry animals were. Thanks to the bountiful supply of ignored and untrained dogs in our area, we were forced to carry a walking stick every time we left the house just in case some rogue beast felt the need to prowl. I would like to say that I adjusted the final alignment of my teeth in a victorious battle against these creatures, however, it was actually due to my practice for such a fight. Put simply, I hit myself in the face with a stick while pretending to do karate. Now I smile like this:

Pfft, don't judge me. My mom says I'm perfect.

*************

Computer, on! Wait, how does this thing work again?

I don't think I know anyone that still washes dishes by hand. Oh, I mean outside of my family. Don't get me wrong, we owned a dishwasher when I was growing up we just never used it. To this day I'm still not really sure why. I think my parents didn't use it to conserve water or electricity or something. No idea. 


A family friend came over once and thought it was ridiculous that we had a dishwasher and didn't use it. So, to help my mom out while she was visiting, she loaded the dishwasher up and turned it on. Oh, but the thing is since we never used it we didn't own the right kind of soap... and my mom's friend really wasn't bright enough to think it through when she loaded the soap spot full of dish detergent. Our kitchen looked like this:

Except without the Barbie doll...

*************

This Christmas Tree has been inspected and approved by Jesus.

My family isn't Christian or Catholic but like so many people in America we celebrate Christmas every year because who doesn't want presents? Pshaw. I grew up knowing about normal Christmas traditions but I also knew what we got to do was way better. We never went out and picked a Christmas tree. Never. We would put up decorations over our entire house. It always looked a little like this:

Also, for every five relevant holiday decorations up there is one or two for upcoming or past holidays. I don't know why we don't just display all of our decorations at once. People would be confused every time they came inside. What month is it?! Also, since my parents don't advocate chopping down trees just for a holiday we always put presents on a couch. That is, of course, until we moved into our new house. We started an even better tradition that looked a little like this:

Little sister wonders where to put the one last present.

Yes, that is a huge bathtub full of presents. It costs a hell of a lot of money to fill that tub with hot water so this is the biggest use it goes to all year. And it's so satisfying seeing it full of presents.

Did I mention that we decorate everything in the house?